People often ask me, "Rich, how do you write such splendid Haiku?" Well, the answer is not an easy one... nor is it one that I know, so I won't even attempt to answer it. Instead, I will offer my humble interpretations of the essence of Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwiches.

drip, jelly, drip down
from Chin of Life to carpet
Now I must vacuum

I think that conveys the pain and humility that one must bear if they are to truly know a sandwich.

Wipe away once more
My creamy brown desire
All over my face

I'm pretty sure that was about peanut butter.

supple, elegant
fluffy but creamy also
Skippy Peanut Butt

You see, I ran out of syllables there, so I had to end it early. That's okay, though, because I think the meaning is clear.

Bad peanut butter
For this I spoiled dinner?
My secret sorrow

That one's a little emotional for me... I think I'd better move on now.

What's New in June:

Listening:

• The Mars Volta, De-Loused in the Comatorium - This is unquestionably the album of the year. Of course, I missed it by a year, but that seems to be the way these things go for me. If you let yourself be absorbed by it you'll be taken to every musical extreme, each one packed with unbridled emotion. It grooves like the 70s - undeniable and unapologetic. The lyrics, though they require intense decyphering, complement the music perfectly. A nearly flawless merging of concept to music. Like the life it captures it's intense, smoldering, and ends as suddenly as death.
  
  
• Thrice, The Illusion of Safety - Merges metal, hardcore and pop-punk. Has some extremely delicious metallicious moments, although sometimes the lyrics and vocals ruin it for me. The other problem is that although each song is packed full of awesomeness, they're all over in about 2 and a half minutes. Just as a song is developing and drawing you in it's over. Not since Slayer has a band been more eager to end their music... although Slayer has a more conventional sense of composition. Rarely does a song end in the same place it begins on this record, but I haven't determined if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Still, it rocks enough to forgive these minor flaws.
  
  
• Thursday, War All the Time - I find that I don't listen to this all that much, although I can't say exactly why. Musically it's good... maybe it's the vocals. I still probably have to give it a chance (to do a hip hop dance).
  
  
• Devin Townsend Band, Accelerated Evolution - I agree with Scott... too homogenous. Lacks dynamics of any sort. I have great hope for STY, though.
  
  
• Transatlantic, Bridge Across Forever - It took me a little while to get into this, but now I enjoy it quite a bit. I still can't say I like Suite Charlotte Pike (in fact, I kind of despise it), but the album makes up for it with the opening and closing tracks. One question: why does everything have to be like 30 minutes long? I mean, I know from experience that it's fun to write long compositions, but do we need to go this far? Minor issues aside this release is about 200 times better than the new Dream Theater, so I'm not complaining.
  
  
• Genesis, Trick of the Tale - I'm still digging into this, but already there are a lot of things that I like about it. I was worried that I wouldn't like Phil Collins' vocal work, but he sounds enough like Peter Gabriel that I'm okay with it.
  
  
• Echolyn, Mei - Excellent. Yes, I was complaining about long song lengths just two reviews ago. But this feels justified. Its composition is brilliant - an albums worth of material in one song and it doesn't feel like it rambles. I still have a ways to go to fully absorb this song, but so far it's incredible.
  
  
• Al DiMeola, Elegant Gypsy - I was expecting shredding... what I wasn't expecting, foolishly, was groove, which this album has in spades. It also has a lot of tastefulness. Great stuff.
  
  
• Stanley Jordan, Stolen Moments - I got this to see if I could figure out if this guy is any good or not. The jury is still out.
  
  
• Return to Forever, Where Have I Known You Before - Oh man fusion rocks. This reminds me a lot of Mahavishnu's Emerald Beyond, but that may just be because of similar sounds. Chick Corea tears it up.
  
  
• King Crimson, The Power To Believe - "...to be happy with what you have to be happy with you have to be happy..." - Brilliant.
  
  
• John Coltrane, My Favorite Things
  
  
• Thelonious Monk Quartet, Live at the Five Spot
  
  
• Charles Mingus, Mingus Ah Um
  
  
• Beatallica - Brilliant. Simply brilliant.
  
  

Reading:

• The Crossroads of Twilight, Robert Jordan - This was hell to get through. I actually felt myself get dumber, which shouldn't have been possible, as I was reading this. And I don't know why I did it. Let me save all of you the trouble - nothing of any importance happens. It took 250 pages to get to the first even mildly interesting part. No, fuck that. It took half the book to get to where the last book ended. Does that make sense? This is the tenth book in the series, and he spends the first 500 pages getting up to where the ninth book left off. What? What a tremendous waste of time. How did he fill up so much space with crap? I'll tell you how. Someone will ask a question, or make some pointless remark, and then we'll spend two pages learning about what dress she's wearing, what everybody else is doing, what color dress it is, what this person had for breakfast, what they had for lunch, and whatever other random shit he can come up with. Never mind flow. The flow is so bad the characters in the book notice it. These people regularly lose their place in conversation because the author has spent so much time describing useless shit. There'll be a question, then two pages of description. Then the person who asked the question will have to ask it again because the other person hasn't been able to get a word in edgewise against the impenetrable wall of purple prose. But who are these characters who engage in terrible conversation? Why, I don't know. Here's a quick quiz for those who've read the books: without picking up the book, what's the difference between Annoura, Anaiya, and Alanna? The quick answer is "nothing." Their characters, like the other 250 characters in this book, have not been defined well enough for us to know or care about them. And it's not helped by the fact that every single person has absolutely unique first and last names. If you met 250 people, do you think maybe two of them would be named John? Clearly in this world there exists a centralized database that contains every name ever used by anyone. When you have a baby, you need to pick a name that has never been seen before, even one that doesn't make any sense at which point it is entered in the database, never to be used again. Of course, this deluge of similar characters would almost be tolerable if the glossary took a single minute out of its damn life to explain who they are. But the glossary has become more and more anemic as time goes on, and now it defines things like "armsmen" and leaves us to wonder who the fuck Akarrin is. Which is only the smallest of Jordan's writing problems. I've already mentioned he's longwinded. But he's longwinded with filler. This ultimately makes sense, as he gets paid for these crappy books. So why not fill up 800 pages with drek and sell it? But this is also a man who strives to fill his work with cliche. Not content to idly drop it in there (which he does also), he actually works to translate the cliche into the terms of the world he's talking about. Never has a man worked so hard to make his writing average. This is just a symptom of the larger problem: that Jordan is simply a terrible writer. Take this for example: "'You have to trim your sails to take advantage of how the wind is blowing. Think coolly, and you make it back to shore. Get your neck hot, and you'll drown.' Sometimes, Siuan could sound as if she still worked a fishing boat." D'YA THINK?! This is, by the way, after Siuan has made every previous sentence, in this book and the past 5, into a fishing metaphor, usually cliche. Do you really think the audience hasn't gotten the picture yet? Do you take us for idiots? The page number 544 is now burned into my brain due this ultimate idiocy of writing. And don't get me started on mulled wine. I'm willing to bet that of the 822 pages of this book, mulled wine makes an appearance on at least 350 of them. I mean, he's really into this shit. Just shut up about it already. It rivals "skirts slashed with (insert color here)" as the most used phrase in the book. So basically, if you're looking for intensely long descriptions of the clothing choices of cookie-cutter people that you can't remember or care if you've ever met before, this book might be for you. But if you place any kind of value on your time, and don't want it wasted by obnoxious asshole writers, then maybe you should move on to something shorter and more interesting. Like the dictionary. Mr. Jordan, move on for fuck's sake.
  
  
• The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay, Michael Chabon - What a difference. This man actually possesses some amount of technique, and I find myself actually looking forward to reading it.
  
  

Watching:

• The Day After Tomorrow - Yeah, I actually spent money to see this in the theater for some inexplicable reason. It's about what you'd expect. I wasn't offended to my core like I was with Independence Day, so that's saying something.
  
  
• Troy - I think I've said all I need to about this in the forum. Classics majors need not apply.
  
  
• Big Trouble in Little China - To think I was scared to show this to Dar! I hadn't seen this in years, so I was worried time wouldn't have been kind to it. Little did I know. Clearly one of the best movies ever made.
  
  
• Cats and Dogs - This pissed me off a lot more than it probably should have. I'm okay with cats being evil. I'm not okay with them looking totally ugly, especially when so much work has been done to make the dogs cute. Yes, they're evil. But what makes them so diabolical is their cuteness. Every time the CG took over in this movie the cats turned into ridiculous third-rate demonic imitations. It's probably skewed millions of kids away from wanting cats, when there's an extreme overpopulation problem as it is. Plus, a puppy could never defeat three kittie ninjas. Never.
  
  

Playing:

• Xenogears (PS1) - God damn it I will beat this game sometime. I can't play any other RPGs until I'm done this one but god is it dragging on. This game also seems to have a little problem with filler. At least the story is compelling, though. But why, oh sweet lord why is there no dialog cancel button? WHY? I think I've spent half of my 80 hours in this game just watching dialog I've already read spew accross the screen. Unacceptable.
  
  
• Ninja Gaiden (XBox) - This game is harder than your mom's nipples. It's great ninja fun, but the difficulty is a big drawback. I mean, I don't get a lot of time as it is... If I want to spend a precious night playing video games, then at least let me kick some ass. It's just insulting to be shamed by a crowd of military minimum-wagers with rocket launchers.
  
  
• Wow, I was pissed about a lot of stuff this month. It must be because I'm getting old and crotchety. Damn kids.

Gear

Guitizzars:
Ibanez S470 - My sweet little baby doll.
Godin LGX-SA - The versatility is astounding. If only it had a translucent finish...
Ibanez Universe - Black with green trim. It's coming back in fashion... just you wait!
Fender Stratocaster - Pure METAL.
Dean Avalanche 7 String - Looks great with a PPG sticker.
Takamine Acoustic
The $5 classical monster - the tone of your dreams.

Rizzack:
Mesa Boogie Triaxis - JJ Tesla ECC83S Tubes
Mesa Boogie Simulclass 2:90 - stock tubes
Lexicon MPX G2 Effects Proccessor
BBE Sonic Maximizer 482
Korg DTR-2 Digital Tuner
Furman Power Conditioner - the one with the dope fly power meter. Aw, Yeah.
Monster Cables - sound protection as thick as your pinky finger. And reasonably priced!

Cizzabs:
Mesa 4x12 slant cab
2 Mesa closed-back 1x12 cabs - for a wider stereo feel
(Can you tell I'm a Mesa bitch? If they made a guitar, I'd buy it. Hell, if they made a sandwich I'd buy it. Mmmm... sandwich.)

Well, I don't normally give this out to just anyone, but for you, write me here.